[Please help] Hoshizora no Memoria English Lyrics

[Yume no Hana]

After finishing Hoshizora no Memoria, I really loved the ending song (true end): 星空のメモリア (Hoshizora no Memoria). So I tried translating it into English. But my Japanese isn't very good so I must have made lots of mistakes. Please help me improve it. Thanks in advance :)

Spoiler

Song: Hoshizora no Memoria (Memories of the Starry Sky)
Lyrics: Mao Sumita
Composition: Mao Sumita
Vocal: Chata

The song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4j-3YthFlGk

Piano arrangement:
http://www.youtube.com/results?searc...%82%A2+ED&aq=f

Original lyrics:

Originally Posted by Original

同じ空　見上げて
交わした言葉 覚えているよ
小さな瞬き 指をさして聞いた
遠い昔に 生まれた 恋

離れても かなえられる
この空の輝き続くように
いつまでも変わらないよと
伝えたい君への思いを

つないだ手 約束した
この気持ち必ず巡り合う
生まれ落ちた かけがえない
きらめきを見つけて
シューティングスター


瞳閉じ 瞼に
君の姿の映しているよ
はかない気持ちの花を抱きしめてた
永遠と信じていたから

懐かしい風の中で
思い出が優しく囁くよ
変わらない笑顔のままで
届けたい君への思いを

忘れない語り合った
あの夜に流れた星の川
空を走る虹のような
架け橋が君へと続く

君の幸せ守りたいよ
夢の中でも


いつかまた出会える
あふれた愛の星降る夜に
キミへの思いを強く抱きしめてる
永遠を信じているから

離れても　かなえられる
この空の輝き続くように
いつまでも変わらないよと
伝えたい君への思いを

つないだ手 約束した
この気持ち必ず巡り合う
生まれ落ちた かけがえない
きらめきを見つけて
シューティングスター

Originally Posted by English Translation

Looking at the never-changing sky,
I remember our exchanged words.
The words you said while pointing at a little twinkling star.
Our love was born a long time ago.

Even if we part,
This sky’s radiance will continue to last
Forever, unchanged
I want to tell you my feelings

Tying our hands together and made a promise that
This feeling would fatefully meet the other's.
The newly born (star) couldn't replace the dead
And a twinkle was found.
Shooting star!

Even in my shutting eyes,
Your image appears.
The flower of transient feelings is embraced closely
Because I believe it is eternal.

Returning memories gently whisper
in the nostalgic breeze.
With the unchanged smile,
I want my feelings to reach you.

I didn't forget the words we told each other.
The river flowed through the stars that night,
That rainbow running across the sky
Was like a bridge leading to you.

I want to protect your happiness
Even in my dream.

If we are able to meet again someday,
Our love overflows as the stars fall at night.
I will embrace closely the feelings for you,
Because I believe in its eternity.

Even if we part,
This sky’s radiance will continue to last
Forever, unchanged
I want to tell you my feelings.

Tying our hands together and made a promise that
This feeling would fatefully meet the other's.
The newly born (star) couldn't replace the dead,
And the twinkle was found.
Shooting star!

[Yume no Hana]

Anyone here? :(
Please help me :(

nobody here, you know :">
come back your fap site , please :)) (VNS da ne :"> )


etou.....i have something wrong with my agth....it makes me so mad......arrrg

[Message]

Originally Posted by narok

nobody here, you know :">
come back your fap site , please :)) (VNS da ne :"> )


etou.....i have something wrong with my agth....it makes me so mad......arrrg

What, err....

What was that all about? ~__~

[LoSs]

Originally Posted by Message

What, err....

What was that all about? ~__~

Brain cancer.

Originally Posted by LoSs

Brain cancer.

maybe yes, maybe no :">

[Toranth]

Originally Posted by Yume no Hana

Anyone here? :(
Please help me :(

Actual translations are an argumentative topic around here, as you may have noticed :( I'm a bit hesitant to say anything for fear of setting of more trouble, but anyways, here's a quick comment.

I did a skim over your translation, but my first impression is that you've been too literal in your interpretation of phrases. For example "つないだ手", you translated as "Tying our hands together". However, it's just a phrase meaning "holding hands", no tying or other external binding necessary. The phrasing in English implies something more extreme (and less tender) than the original intended. I noticed a few other places with similar occurances.

That said, translating music is very difficult, because regular grammar, structure, even word usage is thrown out the window. You've done a fine job of getting the general meaning correct, even though a number of details may be wrong.

If you intend to continue translating, I'd recommend putting off any music, and practice on plain text until you feel comfortable. Even after years of translations, I still do not feel comfortable doing lyrics most of the time.

[Moogy]

Try translating this song for practice:

Spoiler

いとうかなこ - 孤高之魂魄

雲耶泪耶 看月光更帯烟 天空象牙色
愛耶哀耶 我行行更行行 天涯海角
命運如何？ 重逢時難 君不見
咽泪声細細 吐露情思
花耶夢耶 無情風吹不尽 空虚人心里
錯耶瞞耶 皓皓月照塵世 面頬泪痕残
敞開胸懐 愁多知夜色 為君発悲歌
花則必枯 別離必有 風也切々 月光凜凜
花落時 君心復 寂寞往路途 月有陰
命則必滅 苦縁愛結 心也淡淡 思慮悠悠
孤高之魂魄 哀愁深 嗚呼

澱んだ空に滲む月の色 無情に移ろいゆく命の火
開けよ 魂振りの祈り届け

消えゆく玉兎に 君を重ねよう
折り合えない縁としても 無くした心を 揺さぶる息差し
孤高の魂 捧ぐ 嗚呼

Nec possum tecum vivere, nec sine te.
Odi et amo.
Nec sine te. Odi et amo. Odi et amo.

消えゆく玉兎に 君を重ねよう
孤高の魂 捧ぐ 嗚呼

隠せぬ疵痕 君が求むなら
たとえ寛の別れとしても

無くした欠片は 風さえ知らない
孤高の華 咲けよ 嗚呼

[Yume no Hana]

@Toranth: Thanks for your kind advice. I'll try harder.
Actually, this is the first time I've translated a song from Japanese to English.


BTW, I saw some lyrics translated by Agilis in his blog have literal style, too...

Originally Posted by Moogy

Try translating this song for practice:

Spoiler

雲耶泪耶 看月光更帯烟 天空象牙色
愛耶哀耶 我行行更行行 天涯海角
命運如何？ 重逢時難 君不見
咽泪声細細 吐露情思
花耶夢耶 無情風吹不尽 空虚人心里
錯耶瞞耶 皓皓月照塵世 面頬泪痕残
敞開胸懐 愁多知夜色 為君発悲歌
花則必枯 別離必有 風也切々 月光凜凜
花落時 君心復 寂寞往路途 月有陰
命則必滅 苦縁愛結 心也淡淡 思慮悠悠
孤高之魂魄 哀愁深 嗚呼

Never heard of any Japanese song with Chinese characters like this...

[Moogy]

That's because it's Chinese and I was joking. I think translating songs is pointless.

It certainly won't help you learn Japanese, at least. Songs are pretty much some of the hardest stuff to translate properly (or even to begin to approach from a translation standpoint) and should be be sidelined until you actually know the language for real.

[Agilis]

Originally Posted by Yume no Hana

BTW, I saw some lyrics translated by Agilis in his blog have literal style, too...

It's true I hew very close to the originals in my song translations because of my philosophy of translation. However, if you look very carefully, it's very deliberate and preserves the original meaning as best as I could come up with at the time of writing, within song-like length constraints.

Songs are hard. Many times harder than prose, and even prose is difficult. Every song I do is usually a number of hours trying to understand what the song is trying to say, figuring out the who, what, when, where. That's why I only have songs for games that I've played, and especially liked, on my blog.

It makes interesting translation practice material though. Limited scope, typically high difficulty, various constraints (grammar, length, rhyme and meter if you want to go that far). Just be prepared to hate your previous work in a year or two.