How shall I translate? Questions about Otoko Dogeza Zigoku.

[Nanatuha]

Hello. While I've just started translation, I bumped some troublesome sentences already.
Well, How should I do? Yes, I'll ask someone! Mr. intellect, help me please!!

Here is such a shameless thread. (゜∀゜)

Can I ask your opinion about some unconfident sentences? I'll cry and be pleased if you teach me opinion as <strike>useless</strike> useful as タイガー道場.
And just for make sure, this questions contain spoiler of 男土下座地獄 inevitably.




;「どこか、痛いのか」
;「ううん、違う。そうじゃなくて……」
;声にいつもの元気がない。
;「そうじゃなくて」;
「じゃあ、具合が悪いとか」

"Are you hurt?"
"No. Nothing"
Her voice was withering unlike usual.
"It's not so"
"Are you feeling bad?"

Q: I've been in trouble with「そうじゃなくて」. Some common phrase like そうだ/そうじゃない is difficult sometimes.

Q: Can I use "wither" to a person? My dictionary explains only examples about plants, though.



;ゆかなは、僕の背中に両腕を回して\
;「大好きだよ」
;とつぶやくように言った。
;「私は言ったよ。これで、一抜けただよ」
;「なんだよ、それは」

Her put her arms around my neck, and, "I love you very much," breathed.
"I told you. One out, right?"
"What's that supposed to mean"

Q: 「一抜けた」means literaly "One left/quitted". It is a child-term used when someone leave a play. However I don't know if there is a english term that correspond to it.



;死ぬには完璧な舞台だ。
It's a perfect stage to die.

Q: My dictionary explains the term "perfect stage" is something related to fungus. Is this sentence misunderstood?



;ところで桜の下には死体が埋まってるけど、僕のお腹の中には大量の廃棄燃料が埋まってるのよん。
By the way, while a corpse is buried under a cherry tree, a large amount of abandonment fuel is buried in my stomach.

Q: The folklore of cherry blossom and corpse is unfamiliar in the West, isn't it? Can someone think of a alternative proposal?



;そこに偶然、強者の中の強者であるゴッチ先生が通りかかった。
;「ゴッチ先生、お助けください」
;僕は悲壮感を漂わせて、ゴッチ先生にかけよった。
;「ボーイ、どうかしたのかね？　私はレスリングマスターのカール・ゴッチだ」
;「なんじゃい、おっさんやる気かいな、コラ」

Master Gotch, strongest of strong man, has accidentally come acloss here.
"Master Gotch, please help me," I pathetically ran up to Mr. Gotti.
"Boy, what's happened with you? I'm the wrestling master Karl Gotch."
"Hey, dotard, don't interrupt or I beat you up too"

Q: I couldn't straight translate the last sentence due to lack of my skill. Do you have any idea?



;口と鼻からダラダラと鮮血を流しながら、僕は遠くに二人の戦う音を聞いた。
;目の前が暗くなり\
;僕は死んだ。\

As pouring fresh blood from mouth and nose I heard the sound of two person fighting far away.
The sight darkened and\
I died.\

Q: Is this sentence ok? Though I've heard "someone be killed" is used except natural death in english.


Well, it's a long post. Thanks your patience. I appreciate too, if you point out the wording.

[AstCd2]

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Mr. intellect, help me please!!

You'll have to settle for me instead for now =P

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

;声にいつもの元気がない。

Her voice was withering unlike usual.

;「そうじゃなくて」;
「じゃあ、具合が悪いとか」

Q: Can I use "wither" to a person? My dictionary explains only examples about plants, though.

A person can indeed 'wither' in a metaphoric sense. However, because 'wither' is both transitive and intransitive (他動詞であると同時に自動詞でもある), a 'withering voice' could potentially be misinterpreted by readers as suggesting that her voice 'withers' others (人を萎れさせる声) rather than the speaker's voice actually being the thing that is 'withering'　（萎れた声）.

Perhaps you could write something like 'Her voice sounded more withered than usual'?

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

"It's not so"
"Are you feeling bad?"

Q: I've been in trouble with「そうじゃなくて」. Some common phrase like そうだ/そうじゃない is difficult sometimes.

I'd suggest something along the lines of 'No, it's not that.', or 'No, that's not it.'

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

;「私は言ったよ。これで、一抜けただよ」

"I told you. One out, right?"

Q: 「一抜けた」means literaly "One left/quitted". It is a child-term used when someone leave a play. However I don't know if there is a english term that correspond to it.

'You can count me out', perhaps?
I'm not familiar with this term myself, so I'm not sure whether that captures the precise essence of its meaning.

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

;死ぬには完璧な舞台だ。
It's a perfect stage to die.

Q: My dictionary explains the term "perfect stage" is something related to fungus. Is this sentence misunderstood?

Nope, 'perfect stage' makes perfect sense within the context of that passage. It's not a term restricted to describing conditions for the growth of fungi.

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

;ところで桜の下には死体が埋まってるけど、僕のお腹の中には大量の廃棄燃料が埋まってるのよん。

By the way, while a corpse is buried under a cherry tree, a large amount of abandonment fuel is buried in my stomach.

Q: The folklore of cherry blossom and corpse is unfamiliar in the West, isn't it? Can someone think of a alternative proposal?

I can't think of anything as poetically evocative as the story about the blood of the corpses under the sakura, but there's a well known expression in the west that when someone is dead, they're 'pushing up daisies'. Perhaps you could use that?

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

;「なんじゃい、おっさんやる気かいな、コラ」

Q: I couldn't straight translate the last sentence due to lack of my skill. Do you have any idea?

How about something like "You got a problem? Huh? You tryin' to pick a fight here, mister?". Admittedly, it's not a very faithful translation, but it does get across his rough nature.

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

;僕は死んだ。\

I died.\

Q: Is this sentence ok? Though I've heard "someone be killed" is used except natural death in english.

'I died' would seem appropriate to me in this context. I don't think there's any need to use 'was killed' to describe death unless the original wording is also passive (eg. 殺された).

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Well, it's a long post. Thanks your patience.

No problem!

[GreatSaintLouis]

So what's this story about a corpse under a cherry tree? It sounds interesting, if a little morbid.

[Nanatuha]

Originally Posted by AstCd2

You'll have to settle for me instead for now =P

Yeah, I didn't imagine at all at the time. Didn't imagine that I was going to be involved with alien, time traveller and esper thanks to this eccentric self-centred brigade captain. Oh boy.


... Closed space appeared !? (゜Д゜;)


Thank you, AstCd2!!
You are wonderful! I can win the Holy Grail Wars by this!!

Originally Posted by AstCd2

You got a problem? Huh? You tryin' to pick a fight here, mister?"

That's a bit problem. I'm not used to those broken english. I can predict it will be ridiculous if I try this wording. Put aside the fact my text is ridiculous enough in current state.

Originally Posted by GreatSaintLouis

So what's this story about a corpse under a cherry tree? It sounds interesting, if a little morbid.

One orgin is a classic short novel. There are some stories similar.

http://www.aozora.gr.jp/cards/000074...427_19793.html
Cherry blossoms are too vivid to believe, it must absorb nourishment from corpse, such a story.

[gp32]

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Mr. intellect, help me please!!

えと、ミスターインテレクトってだれですか？

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Q: I've been in trouble with「そうじゃなくて」. Some common phrase like そうだ/そうじゃない is difficult sometimes.

I agree with AstCd2 on this one.

As for wording, I might suggest something like:
"Are you hurt anywhere?"
"No, not at all. It's not that ..."
But her voice had none of its usual energy. (see my comment below on "wither")
"It's not that ..."
"Then are you not feeling well, or ...?"

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Q: Can I use "wither" to a person? My dictionary explains only examples about plants, though.

AstCd2 explained this one way better than I ever could, although I'd add the caution that to my eye, the point of that particular sentence seems to be that her voice usually has some level of energy or cheerfulness in it, and that this is missing at the moment -- whereas a phrasing like "her voice sounded more withered than usual" seems to me to put the emphasis in another place entirely. Could just be me, though.

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Q: 「一抜けた」means literaly "One left/quitted". It is a child-term used when someone leave a play. However I don't know if there is a english term that correspond to it.

The phrase that comes to mind is "we're quits".

As for phrasing here, that first sentence might be somewhat better phrased as "She put her arms around my neck and murmured, "I love you very much"."

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Q: My dictionary explains the term "perfect stage" is something related to fungus. Is this sentence misunderstood?

The only caution I have here is that generally, you'd say "It's a perfect stage on which to die".

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Q: The folklore of cherry blossom and corpse is unfamiliar in the West, isn't it? Can someone think of a alternative proposal?

Somehow, J.R.R. Tolkien comes to mind:

Originally Posted by J.R.R. Tolkien

Red fell the dew in Rammas Echor.

This is not a serious suggestion, though (゜∀゜)

Originally Posted by J.R.R. Tolkien

Simbelmynë, ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my son."

This is not a serious suggestion either (゜∀゜)

On a more serious note, 廃棄燃料 -- in Korean at least -- refers specifically to nuclear waste. Could it be the case here? The other thing is that in this sentence, the core is that there might be corpses buried deep beneath cherry trees, there's tons of nuclear waste (?) buried deep inside the narrator's stomach. You'd have to come up with some phrasing that would preserve this parallel construction ...

Now that I think about it, you could do interesting things with the English aphorism "to have skeletons (buried) in one's closet". Something like "Look, I don't know how many skeletons you have buried in your closet, but that doesn't compare to the tons of nuclear waste buried in my stomach", perhaps ...

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

「なんじゃい、おっさんやる気かいな、コラ」

Given the rough, disrespectful speech pattern, I might suggest something like "What, trying to pick a fight, old geezer? Hah!"

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Q: Is this sentence ok? Though I've heard "someone be killed" is used except natural death in english.

Looks absolutely fine to me.

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

Well, it's a long post. Thanks your patience. I appreciate too, if you point out the wording.

This was fun (゜∀゜)

[Nanatuha]

Originally Posted by AstCd2

You got a problem? Huh? You tryin' to pick a fight here, mister?

Originally Posted by gp32

What, trying to pick a fight, old geezer? Hah!

Which should I choose? I considered, and at last decided to mix them to obtain the ultimate sentence!




You got a problem? Huh? You tryin' to pick a fight here, mister?

ヽヽ(゜Д゜　) ... This and this

What, trying to pick a fight, old geezer? Hah!

...（　゜Д゜）ノノ and this.


;「なんじゃい、おっさんやる気かいな、コラ」
"Pick me, darling! Huhahahahahah!"

ヽ(゜∀゜)ノ Perfect!


... My translation hasn't made progress because I loiter too much.


Anyway, though it's late, thank you very much, gp32!!

[gp32]

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

;「なんじゃい、おっさんやる気かいな、コラ」
"Pick me, darling! Huhahahahahah!"

ヽ(゜∀゜)ノ Perfect!

す、すばらしい...
本当にすばらしい、マイ・ブラザー・AND・マイ・翻訳者！

[Nanatuha]

The summer that I noticed that I can't use "clickstr" and felt dizziness.

怠けすぎて終わんねぇーｗ　(゜Д゜)

[gp32]

Originally Posted by Nanatuha

怠けすぎて終わんねぇーｗ　(゜Д゜)

えと、だから「男土下座地獄」でしょう？

何しろ、1-byte clickstrパッチをすぐに作るつもりだったが――ナナツハ先生の真の男土下座地獄がよりおもしろそう。。。

冗談、冗談。すぐに作ります。（´∀｀）

[Nanatuha]

いやー、狂ったように@と\を入れればいいだけなんで、本気では困ってないけど。

めんどくせぇーｗ　(゜Д゜)