Narcissu 2 on mac?

No clue...but I can look around for that one--thanks.
Do other people think the character designs get worse with 3rd&PSP? ;(

[Magedark]

I'm not sure right now, but isn't the third and the PSP one drawn by a different artists, with different writers as well?

[Asceai]

The third game has art drawn by IMHO the worst artist in commercial eroge - the Tsukutori artist.

Oh well! Maybe he was cheap

[Ae772]

Well, I don't know whether or not I'm too late, but I've finally finished reading through Narcissu 2.

As I said earlier, I recorded everything I came across that might warrant fixing.

As a translator, I know it sometimes gets really annoying when other people try to tell you how to do your job; my apologies in advance if there's anything offending in this post. (Especially the nitpicky grammar bits)


Chp. 17 - Sky

"With a tea bought from a vending machine in hand, the two of us ate the what remained of the packed lunch."

Extra "the".


This might be a bit nitpicky on my part, but... (several grammatical issues)

"At those words... I silently nodded. Could do nothing but nod."

While I realize that the Japanese line for the latter part of this sentence did not contain a subject, without an "I" in English, it would be grammatically incorrect (sentence fragment).

Again, later:

"Yeah... might be that if you're not closer, you can't be heard..."

should have an "it" before the "might".


"The sun had come right above, and unheeding of the altitude, the cicadas noisily cried."

Jarring. "right above us"?

(This "subjectless" phenomenon seems to occur quite a bit, although oft-times the sentence itself is still correct. These were some of the more jarring instances I encountered)


"There's a few things... I won't be satisfied until I say them."

=>"There are a few things"




"Hey, Setsumi..."
"Where do you think he is?"
"All of a sudden... what about?"

The last two lines of this conversation don't really connect. Or rather, this would sound extremely abnormal in English. "what about?" would seem like a response to something like "I need to talk to you".

I think "What's this about" would be better.


"...Right now, I... should be stopping her?"
"Or perhaps... I should be giving her back a push?"

Not really "wrong", per se, I just found it a bit awkward that there was no subject inversion (that's... probably not what it's called, but.) for the questions.
("Should I" instead of "I should")

"This exchange, we repeat over and over..."
=> repeated
(or if it is absolutely imperative to remain in present tense, "continue to repeat over and over...")


"While slowly, Himeko-san climbed up."

Another one of those nit-picky ones. If you are using "while" with the intent of "even though", then it should be "While slow, Himeko-san continued to climb up."

(Slow should be in adjective, rather than adverb form. Also, the sudden tense switch of "climbed" to past tense conflicts with the present-tense implication of "while")


Chp. 18 - For Someone's Sake

"What words I should say...
Just what would be kindness..."

Similar to the one I mentioned a bit earlier. I can't definitively recall a grammar rule that explicitly says this is wrong, but I've never seen "I should" instead of "should I" in a 5W question.
And trying to read out loud "What words I should say" just felt extremely awkward.


Going to re-read Narc(1) now. Will make a similar list, although this time I think I'll just restrict myself to typos and missing/excess words.

[Ae772]

Continued from above, for Narcissu(1):

2. Silver Coupe

>It was the coupe father so proud of, with the interior he apparently had modified.

Should be "It was the coupe father was so proud of..."


>That day, even though it had lost it's debut, I had continued to carry the license...

Should be "its" ("it's" = it is, not possessive form)


>For girl in the passenger seat, because of her height, even if she sat normally it was difficult for her to see the front.

Should be "For the girl..."


4. The Emerald Sea

>I remembered the swimsuit that had lost it's debut that day.
Again, should be "its", not "it's".

>Ah, something like that, we still haven the money for...
Should be "haven't".


5. Route 1

>On that day, the heart that should stopped hurt...
Should be "should have stopped".

>It was just, I had absolutely know idea about the geography, and the cost of using the expressways seemed painful.
Another one of those homonym typos. Should be "no".

>"Ah, we still have bout ￥30,000."
Should be "about" (That's a yen sign in front of the 30,000. Just in case notepad screws it up.)

Note: If this is a case where in speech the "a" syllable get swallowed, it's typically written as " 'bout ".



6. Echo

I'm not sure if this next one is an honest mistake or intentional, but there were two lines that appeared together:

"...Un."
"Alright, I'll go buy them quick."

A quick check in the 0.utf yields this:

;「…うん」\
^``... Un.''

dwavestop 0
dwavestop 5

;＿＿

;☆ＢＧ　車止め＞駐車場
bg "yobi\car_byoin_chusyajo_yu.bmp",3

;ＳＥ＞車止め

dwave 5,"se\open.ogg"

;「じゃあ、すぐ買ってくるから」\
^``Alright, I'll go buy them quick.''\


There seems to be a missing \ after the "...Un." .


>Since that day when we left the 7th floor, the car's trip meter showed some 900 km.

Should be odometer. (Which is also what was used in an earlier instance):

>The odometer indicated that we'd come over 900 kilometers ever since the day we'd escaped from 7F.



7. Narcissus

>When the sun sunset had changed into the night sky, and the faltering sea breeze completely changed to being a land breeze...

There's something wrong with the first half of the sentence. In addition to the "sun sunset", there seems to be at least a missing "sky".
(The "sky" turned into the night sky. The sunset cannot change into the night sky. The sunset is what doing the changing, not what's being changed.)

>We had maps, we had medicine, the muffler was a bit broken and loud, but we even even had a silver coupe.

Double "even".

>...Where the third time as the last, the girl on her second, I on my first..."

Two things:
1. First part of the sentence should be either:
a) "where the third time is the last"
or
b) "with the third time as the last"

2. There is an end quotation mark here, but no matching beginning quotation mark in either this line or the lines preceding it.
This quotation mark probably should not be there since it's a narrated line rather than a spoken line.


>For some reason... I was sad.
>Even though I was supposed to be unable to have any real sense reality, my heart ached.
should be "sense of reality".

>"...Looking foward? How could I...?"
Should be "forward".

==================

It was a very good localization overall and I thoroughly enjoyed reading through it. Thank you for all the time and effort you put into it, as well as everyone else on the staff.

[Agilis]

Originally Posted by Ae772

Well, I don't know whether or not I'm too late, but I've finally finished reading through Narcissu 2.

As I said earlier, I recorded everything I came across that might warrant fixing.

As a translator, I know it sometimes gets really annoying when other people try to tell you how to do your job; my apologies in advance if there's anything offending in this post. (Especially the nitpicky grammar bits)

I don't particularly mind. At least, sparring over points is useful and educating, _provided_ that both sides actually have some idea of what they're talking about. The fact that you clearly do makes it productive. I would've ignored anyone who just randomly spouts things with no logic behind them.

Chp. 17 - Sky

"At those words... I silently nodded. Could do nothing but nod."

While I realize that the Japanese line for the latter part of this sentence did not contain a subject, without an "I" in English, it would be grammatically incorrect (sentence fragment).

Mmm this is true. but I'm debating on how I want to get the effect across. At the least, I place particular importance in the fact that the line should jar you somewhat. The question is a matter of execution...

I'm seriously considering whether I'd get a similar effect by merging the clauses and using an em/en-dash, but have to decide if that's enough 'pop' for my taste.

Again, later:

"Yeah... might be that if you're not closer, you can't be heard..."

should have an "it" before the "might".

<_< Overruled, mostly because at least in dialogue, dropping the 'it'. or at the very least swallowing the sound, happens commonly enough.

"The sun had come right above, and unheeding of the altitude, the cicadas noisily cried."

Jarring. "right above us"?

(This "subjectless" phenomenon seems to occur quite a bit, although oft-times the sentence itself is still correct. These were some of the more jarring instances I encountered)

Mmm, at least within the confines of Narci, I'm okay with subject-less phrases hanging like this. This particular instance IS admittedly ugly, but pondering on how to smooth it out just right... which might be impossible.

"Hey, Setsumi..."
"Where do you think he is?"
"All of a sudden... what about?"

The last two lines of this conversation don't really connect. Or rather, this would sound extremely abnormal in English. "what about?" would seem like a response to something like "I need to talk to you".

I think "What's this about" would be better.

Mmmmm..............................
going from the gut, a compromise position, "... what's this?"

"...Right now, I... should be stopping her?"
"Or perhaps... I should be giving her back a push?"

Not really "wrong", per se, I just found it a bit awkward that there was no subject inversion (that's... probably not what it's called, but.) for the questions.
("Should I" instead of "I should")

Mmm, it's one of those odd half internal dialogue points. At the least I'm more willing to entertain the flaws of human thinking path changes at those points >_>;

"This exchange, we repeat over and over..."
=> repeated
(or if it is absolutely imperative to remain in present tense, "continue to repeat over and over...")


"While slowly, Himeko-san climbed up."

Another one of those nit-picky ones. If you are using "while" with the intent of "even though", then it should be "While slow, Himeko-san continued to climb up."

(Slow should be in adjective, rather than adverb form. Also, the sudden tense switch of "climbed" to past tense conflicts with the present-tense implication of "while")

ふむふむ。Magically, a single comma appears to fix things, since you're totally not parsing 'while' as I had intended. It's one of the things that I still haven't fully settled on in Narci, the handling of lines ending in ellipses. I _usually_ try to keep them as a single sentence-like construction, if context seems to allow for it. But a lot of it is gut feel at the moment.

;こんなやり取りを、何度も何度も繰り返し…\
^This exchange, we repeat over and over...\

;少しずつでも上へと登っていく姫子さん。\
^While, slowly, Himeko-san climbed up.\

Chp. 18 - For Someone's Sake

"What words I should say...
Just what would be kindness..."

Similar to the one I mentioned a bit earlier. I can't definitively recall a grammar rule that explicitly says this is wrong, but I've never seen "I should" instead of "should I" in a 5W question.
And trying to read out loud "What words I should say" just felt extremely awkward.

Well, this one just needs it flipped. Internally, I don't seem to have as much resistance to using "I should say" in certain instances, apparently less so than yours. Either way this one isn't particularly one of those.

Going to re-read Narc(1) now. Will make a similar list, although this time I think I'll just restrict myself to typos and missing/excess words.

well, if you see anything let me know. technically Narci1 ran threw fewer passes, so I expect a few more holes here or there. Relatively speaking.

[Ae772]

well, if you see anything let me know. technically Narci1 ran threw fewer passes, so I expect a few more holes here or there. Relatively speaking.

Actually, I was already done with Narci1 and listed what I found in another post above (maybe you missed it).

Mmm this is true. but I'm debating on how I want to get the effect across. At the least, I place particular importance in the fact that the line should jar you somewhat. The question is a matter of execution...

I'm seriously considering whether I'd get a similar effect by merging the clauses and using an em/en-dash, but have to decide if that's enough 'pop' for my taste.

Actually, I'm willing to say this one would be okay as it is.

This particular subject dropping (with the exact same phrasing of "Could to nothing but <X>") appeared quite a few times in Narcissu (1), when I read through it. (Of course, during the time of the earlier post, I had no way of knowing this)

Usually these lines are used to place emphasis on the character's helplessness and it's been used enough times consistently to establish a "style".

<_< Overruled, mostly because at least in dialogue, dropping the 'it'. or at the very least swallowing the sound, happens commonly enough.

This is true. It surprisingly sounded pretty normal once I read it aloud.

Mmmmm..............................
going from the gut, a compromise position, "... what's this?"

This would work well.

Magically, a single comma appears to fix things, since you're totally not parsing 'while' as I had intended. It's one of the things that I still haven't fully settled on in Narci, the handling of lines ending in ellipses. I _usually_ try to keep them as a single sentence-like construction, if context seems to allow for it. But a lot of it is gut feel at the moment.

Yes, I had considered the possibility that the while was connecting the climbing action to the "repeat this exchange" action, but I had thought in that case it would've been much smoother to merge the lines.

Of course, keeping to the original structure, the extra comma does its job nicely.

[Agilis]

Hrmhrm, just ticking through the typos, and including only the interesting stuff here..

Originally Posted by Ae772

Continued from above, for Narcissu(1):
6. Echo

I'm not sure if this next one is an honest mistake or intentional, but there were two lines that appeared together:

"...Un."
"Alright, I'll go buy them quick."

/...snip.../

There seems to be a missing \ after the "...Un." .

Wow, yeah that one's a bug, the second one of these so far I think. You'd think they'd be easy to spot with a series of greps and whatnots... but oddly they don't seem to be =\.

>Since that day when we left the 7th floor, the car's trip meter showed some 900 km.

Should be odometer. (Which is also what was used in an earlier instance):

>The odometer indicated that we'd come over 900 kilometers ever since the day we'd escaped from 7F.

Grr. See this is one instance where not being a car person makes my life difficult. Odometers are supposed to count the total mileage of a car <_< so it makes little sense for it to read 900... Trip meters however, can be reset and so would be the right thing to use here in both instances.

Screw it. Normalizing. Trip odometer for both! \o/

7. Narcissus

>When the sun sunset had changed into the night sky, and the faltering sea breeze completely changed to being a land breeze...

There's something wrong with the first half of the sentence. In addition to the "sun sunset", there seems to be at least a missing "sky".
(The "sky" turned into the night sky. The sunset cannot change into the night sky. The sunset is what doing the changing, not what's being changed.)

.... this line was just horrid. Scrapping.
^When the sunset slowly changed into a night sky, and the faltering sea breeze completely changed to being a land breeze...\

>...Where the third time as the last, the girl on her second, I on my first..."

Two things:
1. First part of the sentence should be either:
a) "where the third time is the last"
or
b) "with the third time as the last"

2. There is an end quotation mark here, but no matching beginning quotation mark in either this line or the lines preceding it.
This quotation mark probably should not be there since it's a narrated line rather than a spoken line.

<_<
'was'
>_>
and the quotes don't belong there... I must've slipped them in at the end from habit.. or had reshuffled something pretty horribly... no other sane excuse...

It was a very good localization overall and I thoroughly enjoyed reading through it. Thank you for all the time and effort you put into it, as well as everyone else on the staff.

Meh well I guess that about does it. Slightly depressing that so many little annoying bugs slipped through the cracks after the tons of revisions the damned thing's gone through over the years. Ah well.

Ae772 I've definitely enjoyed having a sane translation discussion with someone. Honestly haven't done something like this since working with Haeleth on these very scripts 3 years ago... I suppose I've little excuse dragging my feet packing these scripts up and releasing an updated script soon.

One of these days, we should work on something together... I've got a few things rolling down the pipe very soon, so keep an eye out.

[Ae772]

Ae772 I've definitely enjoyed having a sane translation discussion with someone. Honestly haven't done something like this since working with Haeleth on these very scripts 3 years ago... I suppose I've little excuse dragging my feet packing these scripts up and releasing an updated script soon.

One of these days, we should work on something together... I've got a few things rolling down the pipe very soon, so keep an eye out.

That sounds interesting.

Although my Japanese skills are, at best, mediocre; so I don't think I'll be able to help much with translations.

Though I'll be happy to help if you need an editor or just want to discuss how to phrase certain lines.

[Agilis]

Busy day today, what with the giveaway contest ending and all... But anyways, v1.1 of the script is out as a separate small download. All those little corrections from the thread should be woven in.

Personally, of the changes, I find the back and forth comments between me and Haeleth while we were cross-checking more interesting, but those don't appear anywhere in the game proper, just little comments peppered throughout...

http://www.neechin.net/article/152/u...cript-released